My Fault
by Blodhgarm101
Summary: Kirito lets his grief over losing the Moonlit Black Cats get the best of him. Can his friends save him? Rated M for future chapters and adult content. Main pairing is AsunaxKirito
1. Chapter 1

**My Fault**

**~In a hotel room, right after Moon Lit Black Cats died~**

"It's my fault!" Kirito cried out in his hotel room. '_My fault they're dead. All of them,' _he thought. Images of the Moon Lit Black Cats were flashing in front of eyes. He relived all their deaths over and over.

"Sachi," he whispered. "I failed you."

He picked his head up off his arms and noticed he had a message waiting for him. It was from Sachi. He opened it and listened to it. When she started humming 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer' he lost control and let the tears flow freely.

**~Next Day~**

Kirito decided that he wasn't up for his usual routine of battling the front lines today, so he decided to take a nap under a shade tree on floor 59.

"What are doing?" A female voice commanded.

Kirito snapped his eyes open but relaxed when he saw it was Asuna and said "Oh, it's only you."

"Everyone else is heading towards the dungeon, and where do I find you? Out here taking a nap." She scolded.

"I bet you didn't know that is Aincrad's nicest season, and today's weather is at its optimal setting?"

"Huh?"

"It'd be a waste to spend a day like this in a dungeon."

"Whatever, do you not underst…" she started to say but the breeze started to blow and was interrupted.

"See? The sun feels great and it's just beautiful out here." Kirito said and tried to stifle a yawn. "If you lay down on the grass for little bit…maybe you'd understand."

And with that Kirito dozed off.

**~Couple Hours Later~**

Kirito sat up groggily and stretched. He nearly jumped out of his skin when he noticed Asuna was asleep next to him. He laughed to himself and got up to go sit on the wall, deciding to let her sleep as he took watch. His thoughts kept going to dark places as he sat there. '_If I told them real level, would they have let me join the guild? Would they still be alive? It's all my fault….I was selfish. I killed them.' _A single tear rolled down his cheek.

**~A Few Hours Later~**

Asuna woke up, looked around, and jumped up unsheathing her Rapier half way once she got her bearings and saw Kirito sitting there.

"Good morning," he said with a smile.

As soon Asuna jumped up reaching for rapier, Kirito jumped down from the wall and crouched on the other side. Uncertain of what Asuna was going to do.

"One meal," was all she said.

"Huh?" he asked confused.

"One meal, that's my treat. Then we'll be even. I'll even cook it for you…" she said in response.

**~Asuna's House~**

Asuna opened the door to her apartment and went inside. Kirito followed right on her heels. Kirito stopped dead in his tracks with his jaw hanging open as he took her apartment in. Everything was nice neat and all tidy. It was very spacious too. The décor was very simple and the furniture looked very expensive and was made out of bamboo.

"The kitchen is through here," she said as she walked through a doorway on the left.

Kirito followed her through the doorway and took a seat on one the stools near the counter. "Your apartment is really nice, Asuna."

"Thanks, it's not much but its home. Anyways, what would like to eat?" She asked while putting an apron on from her inventory.

"Uh, I don't know…I'll let you decide." He responded.

Asuna started taking out ingredients and placing them on the counter, when they both heard the door open and close with a female voice saying "Asuna? I'm home!"

"In here!" Asuna yelled at the newcomer.

A pink haired girl walked in the door stopped when she saw Kirito. "Who is this? I didn't know you had a boyfriend, Asuna." She said with a smirk on her face. Both Asuna and Kirito's face flushed red with embarrassment.

"This is Kirito, and he's not boyfriend, Liz." Asuna said, still blushing, with a hint of disappointment that made Kirito slightly confused. "Kirito this is Lisbeth, my best friend and temporary roommate."

"Nice to meet you," they said in unison and shook hands.

Asuna put the mixed up ingredients in the oven and set the time for 7 minutes. They told them she'd be right back and left to go change. Kirito went through his menu and removed his coat and other armor until he only had on his black t-shirt and slacks.

"I'm going to go change, too. I'll be right back." Liz said and left the kitchen.

Kirito slumped a little in his chair and exhaled a huge breath. '_I don't know how much longer I can keep this acting up.' _He thought to himself. '_I just want to be alone for a while. I don't deserve this kindness shown to me just because I stood watch while she slept.'_

Ding! Asuna and Liz came into the kitchen just as the oven went off.

"Perfect timing," she said with a smile. Kirito sat up straighter as he smelled the aroma of the cooked food as Asuna pulled it out of the oven.

"That smells delicious. What did you make?" Kirito asked.

"Beef and vegetable stew," she answered.

They all sat down at the table and dug into the food. When all their plates were practically licked clean, they began conversing.

"Liz, if you don't mind my asking, why are you rooming with Asuna?" Kirito asked.

"Uh, well I'm trying to save up money to buy a blacksmith shop and I was having trouble doing that when I had to pay for hotel rooms every night. Asuna offered for me to stay here a while after we became really good friends." Liz explained.

"Cool, good luck with the money saving and shopping for a place to set up your blacksmith shop." He replied, making a mental note to go to her for any new weapons.

They talked for about thirty more minutes until Asuna said, "Crap! It's that late already. I have to get up early. Kirito, I believe it's time for you to go."

"Ok, yeah, I have to get early too. I understand. Where's the nearest hotel?" he asked.

"Hotel?" Asuna asked with a confused expression on her face. "Don't you have a place to live?"

Asuna noticed a hint of hurt and sadness in eyes that wasn't there before as he turned to look away from her before he answered, "I did, but I sold my house when I joined a guild a couple months back. The guild I joined…went separate ways and I haven't gotten around to buying a house."

"Well, I'm not letting you stay in a hotel. You can stay here until you find a house. Liz, is that ok with you?"

"Sure, but he sleeps in your room since you invited him." Liz said matter of factly and with that she went to bed, leaving the other two with red faces.

"Well, my bed is big enough for two people, so I guess that's ok." Asuna said once she returned back normal color.

"Alright, do you mind if use your shower?" Kirito asked.

"Sure go ahead. I'll be in bed once you get out." Asuna said. She then turned and walked to her room as Kirito went into the bathroom.

Kirito let the tears fall as he hung his head in the shower. '_I can't take this pain anymore…' _he thought. He decided to hurry up and shower so Asuna wouldn't become suspicious on what was taking him so long. He turned the water off and quickly dried himself. He got dressed in a black t-shirt and some shorts. Asuna was already asleep by the time he laid down next her starring at the ceiling.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author Note: **Thanks for all the reviews! I'm sorry if there's any spelling/grammar mistakes. And I hope this chapter is slower and doesn't feel as rushed. I also don't own SAO.

**~Next Morning~**

Kirito opened his eyes once his alarm he set for 8am went off. He sat up and stretched. Asuna walked into the room, already in her Knights of Blood uniform, just as he sung his legs over the bed.

"Oh, good you're up. Liz and I are about to leave for the day. I made breakfast and it's on counter," she informed him.

"Alright, I'll be down in a sec," was all he said.

They headed down the stairs and Kirito began eating his plate full of breakfast. Asuna and Liz left with a good bye. "Alone at last," he sighed to himself. He rinsed off his plate and put it on the rack to dry. He went back up to Asuna's room and flopped onto the bed. He hugged the pillow close and cried some more as flashbacks of their deaths came flooding in. _'It's all my fault. I'm the one who did this to them. I murdered them. I…I'm…I'm a monster! I don't deserve the kindness shown to me in the past 24 hours. I should've protected them better. Would have telling them the truth been better? Yes, because they would still be alive. I was selfish…I let my loneliness get the better of me.' _his thoughts kept getting darker and darker until he finally snapped. He went to his inventory and pulled out one of his many daggers and turned point towards his thigh. He stabbed each thigh three times. With each stab only a little of HP drained. He wanted his death to become slow. Blood was everywhere and was pooling around him. He then started to slice his arms…more blood. _'I wish I could feel the pain! If felt what I was doing to myself then maybe I could I feel the pain of what I put them through,'_ he thought as he sliced more of his arms. He decided to take it up a notch…he stabbed his stomach. More HP was drained. Another stab. After the third stab his HP dropped into the yellow. He aimed the dagger at his stomach again.

**~Liz~**

Liz forgot some of the ingots she needed to complete some of her orders today, so she turned around and went back home. She was walking past Asuna's room when she heard Kirito crying. She slammed open the door. Once she took in the blood and saw that Kirito had a dagger pointed at his stomach and his HP bar in the yellow zone, she reacted quickly. She knocked the dagger out of hands and exclaimed "KIRITO! What on earth are you doing?!"

"I must die. I failed. I failed so I must die." He repeated this over and over while tears continuously rolled his cheeks.

After Liz forced him to give all of his weapons to her she messaged Asuna, 'YOU NEED TO COME HOME! IT'S KIRITO!"

**~Asuna~**

Asuna saw that she received a messaged and excused herself from the meeting to check it. She immediately replied saying 'Ok, I'll be right there!' She stuck her head in the door to inform her guild that she had to go home for an emergency. Asuna ran as fast as she could to the portal. She teleported to floor 61 and ran all the way to her house.

Asuna burst through the door and saw all the blood and a dagger on the floor a few feet away from Kirito, "Wha…What happened!?" Asuna exclaimed in horror.

Liz explained that she heard crying and opened the door to find Kirito with a dagger in his hand pointed at his stomach and that he keeps repeating 'I failed. I must die.' "Do you know what could've caused this?" Liz asked Asuna.

"I know just as much as you do about this. I've never seen him like this," was her reply.

Asuna went over and sat next to Kirito, trying not to be squeamish with the amount of blood that was everywhere.

"Kirito, can you hear me?"

Nothing.

"Kirito, it'll be ok. Whatever happened isn't worth you dying over." She grasped his hand in hers and forced him to look at her with her other hand. "Kirito, look at me." He stopped mumbling and stared at her. "Why are doing this to yourself? You can tell me. I won't judge you, but it has to huge with it affecting you so bad."

"I can't," was all he spilled out.

"Why not?"

"I did something horrible," was all he answered. He burst in tears again and leaned on Asuna for support. Asuna pulled him closer and hugged him. She started rubbing his back to comfort him.

"Here, drink this," she pulled out her strongest healing potion and gave it to him. He drank the potion and his health was fully restored.

"Thank…you," he said to her in between sobs.

"You're welcome," she said. _'I wonder what's bothering him so bad that he has decided to try and take his own life,'_ Asuna thought she continued to comfort him. It wasn't long before Kirito fell asleep in her arms.

"Liz, help me lift him onto the bed."

Both of them put Kirito in bed, and then went to stand in the doorway to talk and to keep an eye on him.

"One of us needs to be with him 24/7," Liz said. "It'll be easier if he's with you. You can say he's your new body guard or something."

Asuna nodded in agreement and said "Yeah, but I want to know why he's like this. I want to be able to help him."

"You're going to have to give him time. He will open up eventually. You are helping him by the way."

"Huh?"

"Giving him support, that he obviously needs, will be helping him. For now that's all you can do." With that she walked off towards her room, leaving Asuna to watch over Kirito.

**~A Few Hours Later~**

Kirito opened his eyes and sat up slowly, rubbing sleep from his eyes. He noticed Asuna sitting next to him, starring. "Hey," he said.

"Hi, how are you feeling?"

"Uh, a little better I guess. I'm sorry…about what happened. What I did wasn't fair to you or Liz," he said.

"Kirito, you're right. It wasn't fair to Liz or me, but I forgive you. You're obviously going through something horrible and you thought the only way to end it was to kill yourself. I'll be here for you when you're ready to talk about it," she placed a hand on Kirito's, "Look at me. You aren't in this alone anymore."

A small smile formed on his face. "I can't ask you to do that. This is my responsibility to bear. I don't want you to be dragged into my problems. I need to accept the consequences of my actions of my actions."

"One, you have no choice in this matter because I am the one choosing to help you. You can't stop me. Two, killing yourself isn't a consequence…it's not even a solution to any problem. As your friend and someone that cares about your life, you are to be watched 24/7. You're going to be acting as my 'body guard' to anyone who asks."

Kirito sighed, "Fine, but what about at night when you're asleep? And if I am your 'body guard', aren't going to need my weapons?"

"You'll be sleeping next to me, and I'm a light sleeper, by the way. Also, you're only allowed one sword once we are outside the city limits," Asuna explained.

"WHAT?! I…uhh…wha…I…fine," Kirito sighed in defeat. _'Do I really deserve her kindness and concern?'_

"Well now that that's settled, are you hungry for dinner? You were asleep for a while;" Asuna asked with a kind smile.

"Yeah I'm a little hungry," Kirito's stomach growled loud in protest to what he exclaimed. "Ok, so more like starving. I haven't eaten anything since breakfast."

After Asuna stopped giggling she managed to say "Ok, how about some sandwiches?"

"Sounds good to me."

They went downstairs to the kitchen and while Asuna made their dinner, they conversed about the frontlines and what was going on. Kirito went nuts over how amazing her sandwiches were. Kirito mentioned that they would be better if they had mayonnaise or soy sauce to go with it. Asuna blushed the entire time. They headed to bed after clearing their plates.

Kirito rolled away from Asuna and tried not think about his past. He couldn't help that he saw his guild every time his eyes closed. His eyes were tearing up a little. He took a deep shaky breath and thought _'I will not cry. I will not cry in front of Asuna again.' _He sniffs a couple times to mask his almost sob.

"Kirito, are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," he lied, trying to hide the shakiness in his voice. "Just have a runny nose."

"Don't lie to me. I know you're not fine. You're trying not cry aren't you?" Asuna asked softly.

"Yes, I'm trying not cry. I'm tired of crying, but the tears keep coming. Every time I close my eyes...I get flashbacks," he said just as softly. "I'm not ready to fully talk about it just yet, ok?"

"That's fine. You'll tell me when you're ready. You're my friend, Kirito. I don't like seeing you like this. To be honest, I'm scared." Asuna grabbed his upper arm and forced him to roll over to face her. "But no matter what, I'm here for you."

Kirito looked into her eyes and saw nothing but truth in her words. He relaxed and released a breath he didn't realize he was holding. "Thank you, Asuna. For everything. Especially for being my friend. I don't know what I'd do without you. It's also nice that you aren't pushing for answers." He reached for her hand and took it in his.

"You're welcome Kirito. Just remember that you are never alone." She gave his a hand a squeeze. "Let's try and get some sleep. Tomorrow will be a long day."

"Alright," Kirito yawned. "Goodnight, Asuna."

"Goodnight, Kirito."


	3. Chapter 3

Kirito woke up the next morning feeling restless as ever. He didn't sleep well. He slept all through the night finally but he still had nightmares about his past. Flashes from his nightmares kept popping up and he tried pushing them away. It still stung to watch his friends die. He turned his head to look at Asunas' sleeping form next to him and sighed, '_At least I'm not really alone this. She's really a true friend, but can I be fully honest with her. Maybe in the future…yes. It scares the shit out of me that I trust her as much as I do.' _He slowly got of bed to get ready for the day. Once he was ready, he went out on the patio that was connected Asuna's room. He leaned against the railing and looked down. They were on the top floor of the building, so he was pretty high up. _'I wonder if I could survive the fall. We're about…20?...25 feet up from the ground. Chances are probably not.' _He imagined jumping and bursting into billions on pixels as he hit the ground. He was brought back to the present when he heard a shriek.

Asuna opened her eyes and found Kirito standing on the railing of balcony. She was so shocked that all she could do was shriek his name. Asuna threw the covers off her and flew to the balcony door.

"Kirito! What the hell are you doing?!" She screamed in terror.

"Erm…uh…" Kirito couldn't find the words to explain himself. One minute he was on the ground, the next he was standing on the railing and was about to jump, by the looks of it. He climbed down to safety and as soon as both feet touched the ground Asuna grabbed him and pulled him back inside. She quickly shut the doors and locked them. She stood guard in front of the doors with arms cross giving Kirito her death glare.

"Explain yourself."

"I…look, all I wanted to do was to get some fresh air. Soon after I guess my thoughts got the better of me and I was soon calculating the distance from the ground to here and if it would kill me. Next thing I know I hear you shriek and I find myself on top of the railing."

"I know that last night I said I wasn't going to force you to talk…but your suicidal tendencies are getting a little out hand. I don't want to have to lock you up in a room with nothing to harm yourself or a way to kill yourself. So I need you to tell me what has got you like this."

Kirito's eyes bulged from their sockets at her words. _'She's right, I'm getting out hand. Can I trust her not to be disgusted at me? I just gained her friendship and I don't think I can or want to live if she decides not to be friends anymore. I'm going to tell her eventually…might as well as be now.'_ He took a deep breath and released it slowly through his nostrils.

"I murdered my own guild members," he said dejectedly.

"You…what? How? Your icon isn't red like the PKs."

"Well, you see I didn't actually kill them. It's my fault that they're dead." Kirito looked up Asuna with fresh tears in his eyes. "I couldn't save them, Asuna. I just couldn't…"

Asuna gasped and flew to his side. She grabbed him into a fierce hug and told him "Everything will be ok, Kirito. Just tell me what happened." She leans back enough to look him in the eye and nod for him to continue his story.

Kirito nodded back and continued with his story on how he met the Moonlit Black Cats and how they asked him to join their guild to help train Sachi. Kirito explained how he was uncertain to join at first because of his rank being way than theirs, but decided to join and keep it a secret. He described the many adventures they went on together and how they made him like family. Kirito had to take a break a few times because his sobbing kept getting in the way of talking. Asuna just hugged him tighter and tried soothing him as best she could; letting him know that he can take as much time as he needs to calm down.

Kirito composed himself enough to finish his tale, "Keita went to buy us a house, so we weren't staying inns anymore. The rest of us decide to go raid a cave on one of the upper floors to buy furniture for our new house. We walked into the cave and started to slay some of the monsters. We continued on and slayed some more until we met our quota for the furniture. We were walking back when the guilds thief says he found a treasure chest. I told him to ignore it and not open it. No one listened to me. An alarm went off once the chest was opened and monsters swarmed into the little room. I told everyone to use their teleport crystals but they didn't work. I watched one by one as the monsters killed off my friends…no, family. After that I slaughtered the monsters and left. Keita found me later that day with the good news of buying a house. He asked where everyone else was, and I had to tell him they died in a trap in some cave. I told him the truth about my rank when he asked how I survived…he blew up at me and blamed me for their deaths. And then he jumped off the side of the floor. He killed himself because of my stupidity."

Asuna grabbed the sides of his face, "Look at me, it's not your fault. It wasn't your responsibility to keep them alive. They should've listened to you about the trap. You have survivor's guilt. Keita was wrong to blame you. Yes, you should have honest with them, because they would have accepted you anyways for who you are. You can't change the past, all you can do is learn from it. Is this why you solo the game?"

Kirito looked away in half embarrassment and half shame. "Yes. I won't be able to handle a death of someone if I'm there and able to stop it from happening. It's better if I solo. Don't get me wrong, it's lonely at times but I always convince myself that its better this way."

"Kirito, look at me," she waited until Kirito looked at her to continue. Kirito finally looked at her in the eye. "I am not going to die. Not while I have you looking out for me and watching my back. Plus, they don't call me 'The Flash' for nothing." Asuna smiled and reached to hold his hand; she squeezed to show him she meant what she said. Kirito looked into her eyes to try and find anything that would give her away and tell him that she was lying. When he didn't find anything he smiled a small smile and squeezed her hand back.

**Author's Note: I apologize for not posting an update sooner. Having a full time job and going to school have taken up all my time and energy. Plus trying to find time do home work as well. I also apologize for this being a short chapter, I have lots of homework to still do and an online exam to take today. But I needed a break from it and decided to write this quickly and update.**

**Thank you for the reviews and the PMs! I tried replying to y'all as quickly as I could. Y'all took time to message me so I took time to reply to you. Thanks again for the support! I'll try and post a new chapter soon. :)**


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